You know how you crack yourself up from time to time with a totally inappropriate thought? Well, today’s that day for me. Totally inappropriate and being a Christian woman, I will never say this directly to someone, and I mean anyone. But since I have been working on writing comedy for some time now, I thought I would share today’s inappropriate toast, as it would look like in a meme.
Compliments of Yours Truly, I crack myself up, etc. copyright 2016
I have survived the stress of moving to Germany. Stress listed below:
The easiest parts:
I have discovered that cobblestones come in various strengths. There’s mostly smooth walkways, well-worn and not-level cobblestones, and brutal ragged jagged poorly spaced cobblestones. Good news: our American athletic shoes are in fashion over here finally! Still many folks who don’t wear them, but plenty of teens do. I like to double gel insert my shoes when traveling to the small towns–I’m just sayin’.
The food here also comes in three types: really yummy, meh, and gross. We had a perfectly great dinner at a restaurant, but had ordered the traditional cheese as a “Vorspeise” or appetizer. It was the texture of paraffin, in a cold watery i-don’t-know-what liquid, with finely chopped white onions over the top. The waiter stood there watching us take our first bite.
The look on my face. That’s why he was watching us take our first bite. Apparently, everyone gets that look of repulsion and horror when they bite into that cheese. I couldn’t keep chewing. I couldn’t spit it out, being diplomatic and all, but I couldn’t keep it in my mouth. That’s how he, the waiter, gets amusement throughout the long winter evenings. He then admitted that he couldn’t eat it and rarely meets anyone who can.
Wine is amazing here and I am talking about the wine that you buy for three to four euros. It’s great, I’m spoiled.
The bread here is on another level from the bread we get at the grocery store in Colorado. And I’m talking about the good bakery bread from Whole Foods. This is just, well, baked fresh in front of you, hand braided, using incredible versions of wheat, rye, and every other whole grain known to man. One of my favorite rolls to buy is a pretzel braid covered in poppy seeds. I could eat one right now. And again for dinner. And again for breakfast. But breakfast, in hour apartment, is reserved for the German version of raisin bread. Roisinen Brot. It has extra yummy citron pieces in it that wake up your taste buds and it goes great with dark black coffee. It absolutely must be toasted just beyond golden brown to bring out the flavors.
Have I gained some weight you ask? Well, not much, due to the walking everywhere on cobblestones. Thank the good Lord.
Speaking of the good Lord. We have found a beautiful little church located on a lovely park, with the charm and ritual that the Church of England and the Episcopalians use for worship. More importantly, this small church has amazing music. They have a pipe organ and the choir sings beautiful classical Bach numbers– that shouldn’t be possible at this little congregation, but there they were. Our walk there is only 10 minutes, past the duck pond, over the bridge, just absolutely idyllic. Anyway, we found out why the choir is so amazing. It has several members who sing for the Frankfurt opera.
After Sunday service, we walk through the park, see the geese and the lone gosling, on our way to eating outside at a dumpy, but relaxing dining establishment. We’ve had really good food there for the past two weeks and as we pass all of the little gardening plots we see flowers and many other signs of spring. And graffiti.
The graffiti covers everything in Frankfurt. Sheds, buildings, backs of signs, walls, fences. Everything. Is. Covered. In. Graffiti.
I’m here. finally. in Frankfurt. But it was like doing a story problem in algebra.
Calculate solving for x. UAB=air shipping, HHE=slow container shipping
UAB=175 lbs HHE≠500 lbs
(x2)-weight of boxes=UAB
HHE=x2*y+weight of boxes+weight of containers+monty python movie poster (framed)=UAB+HHE
Therefore x= _____________lbs
Now answer the following story questions:
If Mary didn’t get everything shipped UAB and/or HHE, what will it cost to ship the rest of her sh!t to Germany? Use the following information to help you solve for x.
4 large-sized priority shipping boxes
2 medium-sized priority shipping boxes
1 small-sized shipping box = x
Solve for x. You may use the USPS website for additional information.
If Tina has a bag allowance of 2 suitcases, each with a 50 lb maximum, and she is shipping her french bulldog on the same flight and can take 2 personal items on board, how will she get all of this luggage out of baggage claim, which has a rule that no one but passengers can enter the area? Remember, Tina cannot ask for help due to a cultural rule of public silence and her husband cannot help her, since he is not allowed in the baggage claim area.
answer: How many muscles and nerves has Tina injured?
Trivia questions: Which airline provides lighting that imitates the northern lights?
answer: Iceland Air
What is the traditional Christmas drink of Iceland composed of?
answer: non-alcoholic stout and orange soda
BONUS Question: (more than one answer may apply)
When Tina’s husband says “everything is ready”, should she:
Oh, and by the way. Thank God I’m not married to Tina’s husband!
Here’s my best tip — free to anyone in charge of their own income, projects, and accomplishments. Use one of your friends as “Boss of the Day” — I just did this today. And look, I am writing again! And more importantly, I am going to work my marketing plan.
I had fallen into a miasma, a lazy summer meandering mindset. It’s been fun, it’s been good — don’t get me wrong. But in my Purple Haze, a red flag of anxiety has been drifting on the wind of doubt. Yes, my old arch nemesis, Self-Doubt, (villainous laughter: whah hah hah). I can tell you that some lessons learned are reviewed throughout life. Once you have kicked Self-Doubt out on its butt, you frequently find it lurking around in the corner, which requires another butt-kicking.
Who knew that today, all I needed was Kaya asking me “Why aren’t you getting things done? Something’s stopping you. What is it?”
Me: “Uuuuuuuuhnhhhhh, I dunno.” The feeling of foolishness isn’t one I relish. So, I told her, my boss of the day, when I will get certain tasks done, followed up by an email, and a phone call at the end of the week.
I didn’t need a drill sergeant, I just needed the sweetest person in the world to look me in the eyes and ask me straight on what, why, and when. You too can be someone’s BOTD or get the benefit of someone else doing BOTD.
Now, what’s stopping you from getting your dream done?
So, try this at home. No professionals needed.
I know I am a quitter — I never finished my 100 pairs of shoes blog. I could have slogged on, I could have ignored the fact that I had only one or maybe two readers. But let’s face it, seeing crazy shoes that other people are wearing is just not as fun as seeing new shoes that we could be buying!
New shoes, buying shoes, collecting shoes, Imelda Marcosing. I don’t know exactly when I allowed myself to start going crazy over shoes — I do remember when I didn’t allow myself to purchase in excess. So, as the Byrds sang, and Solomon wrote, to every season…
A season to buy, a season to obstain. A season to wear sky high stilettos, a season to wear Dansko clogs. Here’s to a new and improved shoe buyer, shoe lover. One who buys the Goldilocks amount of shoes!
Why the change? Is it dreaded middle age? Is it bunyons, corns, or nerve damage? Why, why, oh why?
Well, self, I’ll tell you. Because at the age of XX, it’s time to grow up. Time to embrace maturity in its best sense. Time to –well–help two out of three offspring get through college. So here is the list that will help you get through this new unshoeing stage:
Keep focused and stay out of the shoe department!
100 Shoes Blog 